Be Okay.

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I tend to be positive, happy, and optimistic 95% of the time, it’s simply the way that I operate. Obviously, I’m not some manner of robot, I do feel negative and not so wonderful things on occasion, but I allow myself to feel those things and then move on from them. To me, there’s no point in dwelling in negative thoughts and feelings. But for the past few days, moving on from feeling not so wonderful feelings has been difficult.

There is nothing inherently wrong with my life right now, but for the past week or so I’ve been sad, emotional to the point of breaking down and when my boyfriend looks to me for a reason why, I just shrug. I can’t explain it, and I wish that I could. I don’t think that it’s caused by anything specific, but a myriad of things – if there is a “cause” at all.

Sometimes when my period is late (which it is right now) my hormones like to make their presence known even more. Sometimes the transition from winter to spring leaves me feeling oddly morose, and I haven’t the faintest idea why. Sometimes my self confidence wavers, and I can’t fathom why my wonderful love would be or stay with someone like me, despite daily affirmations of his love for me, that he would move mountains for me if I needed someone to. Sometimes I miss my friends and family back in Halifax so much that it physically aches, even though I have a lot of friends here in Victoria, and they are all wonderful.

Sometimes I’m just sad, and I don’t know. And that’s okay.

I’ve been better, but I’m also getting better.

Last night I cried and was ill. Then I laid on the couch drinking tea (lovingly made by Brad), while watching the insanity that is Mike Tyson Mysteries. I got a full night’s rest, complete with oddly hilarious dreams. I woke up, and I felt better.

I don’t feel 100% yet. But I can feel my appetite returning, and I don’t feel like I’m constantly blinking back tears, or trying to suppress feeling like I’m going to be sick.

It’s a start.

I wish I could pinpoint why I’m feeling this way, but I can’t. I’ve tried to. When I think of all the things that are going on in my life right now, there’s nothing I can rightly see that would have me feeling this way. I’m making some changes right now, with things to do in my free time besides sit on the couch. I’m learning to play the ukelele, I joined a book club, I filled out an application to volunteer at the local SPCA, I’m starting to do yoga in my home again, I’m reaching out to people more simply to chat because I miss the sound of their voice and the cadence of their words.

At the end of it all, I simply want to be okay, and right now I’m struggling with that. But I’m working on it. I’ll get there.

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Moving on up!

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Since Brad and I moved to Victoria we’d been living in a place that wasn’t exactly my favourite. A basement apartment with low ceilings, a bathroom door that opened out into a living room thus preventing us from having a coffee table in front of our couch, not really being able to have people over, and a myriad of other little things that after a while just make you rage a little. It didn’t feel like a place that two young professionals should live. I wasn’t entirely happy there. Was I happy that I had a roof over my head, a place to call home? Absolutely. But sometimes you want more than simply a place to live, you want a home, and there’s absolutely no shame in that.

When our apartment hunt began at the end of November, we were cautiously optimistic that we would find something better, but there were some things that we really wanted for our next place. Two bedrooms, hardwood floors, a dishwasher, pet friendly, a full bath, laundry in the unit or the building, and being able to stay in the same neighbourhood. We didn’t think that some, or more than a couple of those, would be possible. There were a few things that we were willing to compromise on, but we didn’t think that we would find anything.

We lucked out, and I am so incredibly happy that we did.

We were able to find a new apartment literally down the street from where our last place was. Hardwood floors, a dishwasher, pet friendly, a full bath, and a washer and dryer right in our unit. The only thing that we had to compromise on was the two bedrooms. We only have one bedroom, but the layout makes up for it. We wanted to have a room to use as an office, but I can set up a small writing desk in the bedroom, and Brad is okay with having a desk in the living room to use as his office space.

I have been on cloud nine ever since the landlord accepted our application, and over the moon since we moved in last week.

It’s so important to have a space that you can really make your own, some place that you’re excited to come home to after a long day. Before I would look for things to do after work so I could put off going home for just another hour or so, and on the days that we had off, we were both anxious to get out and do something. We couldn’t shower and get dressed fast enough. But this past weekend we’ve actually been relaxing, leaving our home only for a couple of errands and brunch on Saturday. It’s so nice to actually be able to relax and take it easy. It feels like I haven’t in about a year.

It’s a holiday today here in British Columbia, and a dreary, rainy day at that. Which means there isn’t much reason to go outside (except that I’m out of orange pekoe tea, so I will need to run to the store at some point). And as opposed to the past year where even on the crummiest of days I couldn’t bear the thought of staying in my home, today I most definitely think that I will.

Quality.

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I have deemed 2015 the year of quality.

Though, despite my best interests and attempts it has been a little less than quality for the past week and a half, as our bedroom and den flooded, so it’s been making for some less than stellar living arrangements. But other than that, quality is still the end goal!

I want to work on focusing on purging things from my life that really don’t add much to the quality of it. Whether it be possessions, clothing, food, and even some people (although not like the movie The Purge, that would just be sinister). I’ll be turning 30 this year, and while the prospect of getting older doesn’t exact me make me feel a whole lot of anything, not being in my twenties anymore does … if that makes any sense at all. As such, I just feel like I need to stop living like I have been in so many ways. I’m an adult (supposedly), and I’d like to start living like one in some ways. Not by becoming boring or finding fart jokes any less hilarious, but just taking pride in my life, how I’m living it, and the quality of the things and people in it.

I’m tired of having all of this band-aid type furniture in my life, things that I purchased from JYSK not even a year ago and are already falling apart. I’m tired of having things … just random stuff that I don’t really need or use taking up space in my closet and in my life. I’m tired of looking in my closet and dresser and seeing clothes that I don’t really like that are falling apart or don’t fit well. I’m tired of eating foods that don’t make me feel very good, or made their way to my plate in a less than ethical journey (Brad and I watched a short documentary on factory farming which made us think really hard about the meat that we are consuming).

As for the people, I’m not tired of them. I love the people in my life. But my recent trip back to Halifax made apparent some things that I had already figured out, just needed to see in action, as it were. I’d rather have a small handful of really good friends than a lot of acquaintances, some of whom can’t find an hour in a two week span to maybe spend some time with me for the first time in almost a year. Perhaps a Facebook culling is in order.

(I won’t deny that I’m a little hurt by someone who I thought was a really good friend, but I didn’t hear from them at all, even when I reached out. And then I happened to see them by chance and got only a small wave as they breezed right past me.)

The year has been off to a shaky start. As I mentioned above, our bedroom and den flooded last week, and has put us in a state of limbo. It’s very hard to live where we currently are and try to start making good on a lot of the resolutions that we have made. But I have been making an effort to eat better and to plan our meals (with Brad’s help and input, of course), which I think is really good start! I’ve even cut beer out of my life, which is really hard for me because I do legitimately enjoy a lot of the craft beers that Victoria has to offer. But having two or more makes me feel ill, and they’re just empty calories that I’m currently storing in my middle region.

Once things settle down a bit after our move, I’m going to start working out in some capacity. I’m getting a little rounder, a little softer, and honestly that’s okay with me, I just want to manage my own health a little bit more … maybe be a little less round and soft. I’ve put on 15 – 20 pounds since arriving in Victoria, and really I think that I’m getting to an age where I need to actively start taking better care of myself. I don’t think I need to make a whole lot of drastic changes, just maybe go to the gym a couple nights a week, lift some weights when I’m sitting on the couch and watching television.

It’s little things. Baby steps. I didn’t make a whole lot in the way of resolutions this year. I just want to work at being a better, happier, more fulfilled me than I already am, and live a life of quality, one that I’m happy with. I want to write more. I want to do more.

It doesn’t have to be perfect. Perfect is boring. I just want to feel better in all the ways that I possibly can.