Be okay.


I tend to be positive, happy, and optimistic 95% of the time, it's simply the way that I operate. Obviously, I'm not some manner of robot, I do feel negative and not so wonderful things on occasion, but I allow myself to feel those things and then move on from them. To me, there's no point in dwelling in negative thoughts and feelings. But for the past few days, moving on from feeling not so wonderful feelings has been difficult.

There is nothing inherently wrong with my life right now, but for the past week or so I've been sad, emotional to the point of breaking down and when my boyfriend looks to me for a reason why, I just shrug. I can't explain it, and I wish that I could. I don't think that it's caused by anything specific, but a myriad of things - if there is a "cause" at all.

Sometimes when my period is late (which it is right now) my hormones like to make their presence known even more. Sometimes the transition from winter to spring leaves me feeling oddly morose, and I haven't the faintest idea why. Sometimes my self confidence wavers, and I can't fathom why my wonderful love would be or stay with someone like me, despite daily affirmations of his love for me, that he would move mountains for me if I needed someone to. Sometimes I miss my friends and family back in Halifax so much that it physically aches, even though I have a lot of friends here in Victoria, and they are all wonderful.

Sometimes I'm just sad, and I don't know. And that's okay.

I've been better, but I'm also getting better.

Last night I cried and was ill. Then I laid on the couch drinking tea (lovingly made by Brad), while watching the insanity that is Mike Tyson Mysteries. I got a full night's rest, complete with oddly hilarious dreams. I woke up, and I felt better.

I don't feel 100% yet. But I can feel my appetite returning, and I don't feel like I'm constantly blinking back tears, or trying to suppress feeling like I'm going to be sick.

It's a start.

I wish I could pinpoint why I'm feeling this way, but I can't. I've tried to. When I think of all the things that are going on in my life right now, there's nothing I can rightly see that would have me feeling this way. I'm making some changes right now, with things to do in my free time besides sit on the couch. I'm learning to play the ukelele, I joined a book club, I filled out an application to volunteer at the local SPCA, I'm starting to do yoga in my home again, I'm reaching out to people more simply to chat because I miss the sound of their voice and the cadence of their words.

At the end of it all, I simply want to be okay, and right now I'm struggling with that. But I'm working on it. I'll get there.

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